Mar
23

For this week’s topic I would like to discuss child related injuries. I’m not talking about injuries that children sustain e.g. by shoving a pencil up their nose or hanging upside down on wet monkey bars using only their teeth, I’m talking about the injuries we moms sustain as a result of having children.

We all know and expect the usual ones. Our bodies are never quite the same following pregnancy and childbirth, the onset of wrinkles seems to follow immediately after giving birth from worry and lack of sleep and don’t even get me started on the mental scars from stress, guilt and constantly asking ourselves “did I do the right thing there?” But I’ve discovered over the last few months that there are other dangers lurking around every corner.

My first was during the Christmas holidays when I threw myself and Flo down the stairs. Distracted by the snuggling, cuddly, sleepy girl I was carrying, I missed the last step.  The result of which was a badly sprained ankle that prevented me from performing my best Rock Band Wii groove over the holidays and for the months following.

The second occurred two weeks ago and started off so innocuously that it’s hard to believe I have arrived at where I am today. Whist carrying Flo’s empty (and pretty light) stroller up the stairs behind me, whilst simultaneously holding her hand in front of me to prevent her slipping on the stairs, I managed to injure my back. What started off as a mild pain turned into an ‘I can’t think straight, someone please knock me unconscious with a large blunt object’ pain.

You’ll understand that as a mom, being slowed down by a little excruciating pain is not an option. I tried an acetaminophen/ibuprofen combo in enough quantities to floor an elephant – it did nothing. I tried a chiropractor but despite all the cracking and popping (which he assured me was a good thing) the pain persisted. As a last ditch attempt at relief I went for a deep tissue massage which although it started off promising enough with lavender oil and soothing music, it was all just a nasty ruse and turned out to be more like a form of torture.

There is however light at the end of the tunnel, I have discovered a miracle cure. A glass or five two of wine or vodka or both, works wonders for the pain – or perhaps I just get to a point where I no longer care.

So in summary:

  1. Having children can seriously damage your health.
  2. They age you, by at least 5 years for every one of theirs, both inside and out (which combining Flo and Mo makes me around 90 years old – I certainly feel it).
  3. Deep tissue massage is not a treat or relaxing in any way. It is in fact a form of physical abuse.
  4. Alcohol is a far more effective form of pain relief than either acetaminophen or ibuprofen, so whatever ails you, pour yourself a glass, it’s doctors orders.

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6 Comments

  • I think they use Deep Tissue Massage as a torture method, quite frankly.

    Yay vodka! 😉

  • Jo Chivers

    agreed and agreed 😀

  • patsy

    i agree with everything you have just written, best blog yet and if you are 90 that makes me 205!
    children age you, grandkids age you twice as much cos you’r not all hands on but you worry twice as much about them (or is that just me ………….)

  • Jo Chivers

    you’re only as old as you feel – that’s my problem 😀

  • Let us not forget the perils of the Accidental Parent-Child Headbutt, experienced most frequently when trying to tuck said child into bed at the exact time he/she realizes the need to pop up and describe something imperative, along the lines of OH MOMMY I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THAT JENNY BROUGHT A NEW DOLL TO SCHOOL IT IS REALLY GREAT SHE SAID YOU CAN GET ME ONE AT TARGET OWWWWW MY HEAD MY HEAD OWWWW.

    They did not mention all of this in childbirth class.

  • Jo Chivers

    Especially when it’s done from underneath – I swear one day I will bite my tongue right off from one of those chin-butts

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