Archive for September, 2011

Warning: do not read if you are eating or have eaten in the last 30 minutes!

For last 5 weeks I’ve been dealing with a dog with Giardia.  If you are fortunate never to have experienced this, it basically means that your dog will poop incessantly the nastiest, smelliest, squishiest poop you’ve ever known (and I’ve had 2 kids).  Of course they gave us medication for it, which I was warned, “could upset his stomach.” That’s ok I thought, it can’t get any worse.  It did!  Which leads me to my point, sometimes it takes the worst crap you’ve ever seen, to appreciate only the slightly crappy in life!

Think about it, before you had kids did you appreciate being able to go to bed at a decent hour and sleep without interruption, even if you have to wake up a the crack of dawn?

Before kids I never realized the joys of 30 minutes peace and quiet to read a magazine, or the bliss of doing grocery shopping alone.

Who would have thought that I would be grateful for McDonalds, especially one with a playroom attached.  Hell when things get really bad I can even appreciate Chuck E Cheese’s.

And whilst I’ve always loved a glass of wine or a martini, I’ve never appreciated alcohol the way I do at 3:00pm 5:00pm 7:00pm each night.

But just to drag you back like a toddler home from the playground, to my bloody poor dogs digestive issues, I am currently praying that the latest cocktail of drugs that we are administering will at least reduce my poop scooping duties to 2 solid ones a day.

So while thousands of people across the world are probably right this minute wishing for more money, a fulfilling career where they are recognized and respected, to live in a big house with a swimming pool or go on exotic holidays staying at only the best hotels, today all it would take is for someone to reduce the level of shit in my life and I would be like a pig in rose scented, diamond encrusted, Champagne accompanied, muck!


I now have undeniable proof that I am totally insane, (not that I really needed any). I’ve been looking forward to the free time I would be able to enjoy when Flo started pre-school, for a whole year. I thought about all the things I would do, (make it to the gym more than once a week, get a regular pedicure, finally get my house tidy, write my second book, get a multi-million dollar publishing deal and spend the rest of my life in the lap of luxury). Ok well maybe I’d achieve the first two.

We were just 2 weeks away from the much anticipated day and I brought home a 6 month old puppy! I know, what the hell was I thinking? But Mo has been asking for a dog practically since she could say the word and we’d promised her one when she was 7, (she just turned 8!) And ‘poof’ in a flash of dog fur and ripped treasured belongings, my idyllic vision was shattered.

Instead of two and half precious ‘me hours’, I now walk the dog for an hour or more until he’s within an inch of coma inducing exhaustion, in the hopes that he will pass out for most of the day, rather than chew my shrubs/furniture/arm or dig six foot holes in my garden. (I’ve considered burying the dog in one of these holes, but hubby talked me down from that ledge). Instead of picking out fabulous colors for my nails, I pick up poop. Instead of reading a trashy novel intellectually stimulating book, I’m scouring the internet for ways to make your dog behave better.

And then, just when I was at the darkest depths in my mourning for the life that I never quite grasped, I discovered the most fantastic thing ever created by man, woman or beast – doggy day care!

Now when it comes to kids there are a number of reasons moms chose day care. For moms who work it’s a safe nurturing place where their children are cared for, for others it’s a place where their little ones can learn social skills, for some it’s an opportunity for their child to gain confidence on his/her first solo venture into the world. For me doggy day care is none of these.

He is very cute, granted. He can also be very sweet and affectionate. But damn it, he’s messing with my master plan to finally have some freedom. So I have to say with all honesty, doggy day care for me, is quite simply, my opportunity to GET RID OF THE BLOODY DOG!

So whilst I am a self confessed, less than perfect mom to my two girls, as far as my abilities as a pet owner go I will now forever be known as, “The World’s Worst Dog Parent!”

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